My name is M I Birtwhistle, retired secret service officer, and I live in a small Somerset village where I’ve kept my neighbours up to date on government thinking almost every month for the last fifteen years. By a strange quirk of family history I recently found I was entitled to a place in the House of “Lords”, which has got me at the very centre of political thinking. Here’s my latest newscast:
TRIUMPH FOR THE GOVERNMENT
I don’t need to tell you that ministers are worried at their apparent failure to deliver on Brexit and other commitments. What happened to the £350 million a week for the NHS, the 40 new hospitals, “illegal” channel crossings, more houses for all, and those huge trade deals?
BUT ACTION AT LAST! The promised bonfire of regulations has begun. Out with EU regulations and in with truly British laws for truly British people. For a start, we’ve just promised to axe the rule that local planning applications for private housing developments must avoid any future impact on rivers and the environment – a quaint notion invented in the dreaded Europe Union, and way out of date in these tough times.
And it’s worked: shares in house-building rose dramatically at the announcement, guaranteeing big returns to shareholders. True, rivers may have to bear the brunt of yet more pollution, but it’s a drop in the ocean compared with the damage that we’ve already let farming and greedy water companies do to rivers like the Wye. A bit more contamination isn’t really going to make things a lot worse because the fish are already dead And that bunch of busybodies, Natural England, don’t like it, so it must be OK.
Instead of whingeing on about it, sceptics should celebrate the spread of yet more unaffordable homes in their thousands, while the unlucky many evicted by their private landlords should head for the wilds of Northern England where they can bask in the joy of being levelled up.
And I promise: next on the list of bonfires will be human rights, protests, veterinary inspections of imported meats, “green” laws, health & safety etc. And as for the challenge of obesity and its impact on the future health of the nation, we’ll be gone long before you notice it. Light another match, and blow!
M I Birtwhistle
Special Adviser on Burning Boats