The West Dorset constituent from the police/sewage story generously applies to be MP Chris Loder’s PA…

Dear Chris

I see with interest that you are advertising for a secretary/PA. 

I’m wondering what happened to the last one, but that’s just my natural curiosity.  I’m thinking it was just too much for them working with someone who’d gone from full-fat Tory to skimmed Green overnight … well, since the May local elections anyway.

They say a leopard cannot change its spots but that is so unjustified.

I mean, look how agile you have been in your U-turns in support for Boris Johnson and Liz Truss. I am sure it’s only a matter of time before you embrace safety for white-tailed eagles in Dorset; or roll out publicised, weekly surgeries all over the county, where you would welcome all your constituents to come and chew the fat. Many would understand your safety reservations and would tolerate being frisked by your own personal security team, as after all, they are paid for by us so are in fact, our employees. I do hope they’re police-checked, Chris!

Anyway, back to the job in question.

I know you and I have had a chequered history, but I am prepared to put that aside for the good of the nation and offer my services to the MP for West Dorset. I understand it will be a temporary position, as although you had a majority of 14,000 in 2019, I have my suspicions that may have dwindled somewhat.  Call me cynical, but even your ‘Tractor Man’ neighbour couldn’t hang on, with his 24,000. 

But I am willing to come out of retirement and assist you in every way possible, as we move towards the inevitable.  In fact, I have heard that by-elections are quite the thing these days, so may I be so bold as to suggest that you are a little proactive, and make it five.  I am sure South Western Railway would welcome you back, after your wonderfully expressed views on the unions.  In fact, with your self-proclaimed negotiating skills, South West Water would surely find a position for you: perhaps strolling on the beaches of Lyme Regis and the banks of the Lim, in a smart brown uniform, talking to your constituents and visitors and proclaiming the efficiency of that water company, the benefits of sewage in our open waters, and how you are really getting somewhere with the bosses using your wonderful diplomatic skills. 

In the meantime, please consider my application to be your trusty PA. You cite London or Dorchester as a base. To be honest, it would be more convenient for me to work from home.

You know where I live.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Fran Swan