Author: Russ In Cheshire

Buckle up: it’s Tory time again!

Russ In Cheshire

Drink heavily, buckle up, and let's get started with a visit to the Tory Party Conference, where the most dense things in the known universe are packed into one room, and we all pray it reaches critical mass and explodes. Yet another #TheWeekInTory: 1. Liz Truss – ITV4 made flesh – got dressed up as […]

Just a few days in Tory… Eyes on the lies, everyone!

Russ In Cheshire

Russ Jones has done it again. Expect updates! 1. Our new PM, Margarine Thatcher, said she was “absolutely committed” to cutting tax for the rich 2. Then she cancelled tax cuts the rich 3. Truss boasted she was prepared to make unpopular decisions 4. But her decisions were unpopular, so she cancelled them 5. Truss […]

The week in Tory…

Russ In Cheshire

Second #TheWeekInTory in 4 days cos … oh god, you know why! 1. KamiKwarzi Kwarteng supports crypto so much, he’s turned Sterling into a new one called Shitcoin. 2. He fulfilled his promise to wipe out Stamp Duty by making it impossible for anyone to get a mortgage anyway. 3. These exuberantly stupid inanities had […]

The cabinet of horrors

Russ In Cheshire

Assuming Tim Shipman’s tweet is true, let’s do a quick #TheWeekInTory style tour of our (probably) new cabinet. It is a thrilling prospect. Liz Truss Margarine Thatcher. Gilead Commander’s wife who did three U-turns during her campaign, making Liz Truss a more effective opponent of Liz Truss than Rishi Sunak was. Is her own worst […]

The week in Tory

Russ In Cheshire

Here we go again. Like the shoe-stretchers my mum got me for Christmas, the Tories are the stinky gift that keeps on giving. Let’s dive in… 1. Previously on The Week In Tory: thermonuclear tribunal magnet Boris Johnson battled to survive, as Steve Baker told the BBC “I believe the Conservative Party is the only […]

The week in Tory… brace, brace!

Russ In Cheshire

Warning: strong language. Ed Because I was busy last week, this episode of The Week in Tory covers more than seven days, but not – you’ll be amazed to hear – the 700 years it would take most governments to get through this lot. Remember, it’s OK to want to scream or take drugs during […]

The week in Tory…it’s a cracker.

Russ In Cheshire

A round-up of a typically marvellous #TheWeekInTory 1. Loving crowds of flag-waving patriots loudly booed Boris Johnson, the one-man game of shag, marry, avoid who is still – amazingly – our PM. 2. Priti Patel, the Shetland Pony of the Apocalypse, told Tory MPs not to attempt to sack Johnson because of the Jubilee. 3. […]

Johnson’s housing speech gets the treatment it deserves!

Russ In Cheshire

Boris Johnson press conference. He just said the UK will have the worst performance in the G7 next year cos “we came out of the pandemic first, so had a faster recovery”. So [deep breath] we’re doing badly because we’re doing so well. Then he said we need to build 300,000 more homes. Then he […]

Don your biohazard suits – it’s the week in Tory!

Russ In Cheshire

It’s been a challenge to find anything to write in the latest edition of the Week in Tory. They’ve all been such well-behaved boys and girls. Only kidding: it’s absolute carnage. Don your biohazard suits, top up your breakfast absinthe, and let’s dive in. 1. Under Boris Johnson, 10 Downing Street now holds the record […]

The week in Tory: tax, Channel 4, #partygate and more…

Russ In Cheshire
Graffiti: sleaze

As some of you might expect, the latest banshee howl that is #TheWeekInTory is quite lengthy, and I advise a deep dive into your preferred sedative before beginning. Let us begin where the last one ended, which is, astonishingly, a mere five days ago [cue wobbly screen]… 1. Having spent a week insisting there was […]

The week in Tory…partygate, Sunak, world-beating tailbacks, MadNad and more

Russ In Cheshire
Honey Monster

Let’s start #TheWeekInTory with PartyGate, where randy Honey Monster and (no, really) Prime Minister Boris Johnson denied 20 fines meant there had been wrongdoing. 2. This doesn’t quite explain why he had personally phoned the Queen to apologise for all the wrongdoing. 3. Regardless, The Metropilitan Police issued MASSIVE fines of £50 for breaching lockdown […]

The week in Tory – you couldn’t make it up

Russ In Cheshire
Russian trade is bloodstained

This edition of #TheWeekInTory fell on April Fool’s Day, and there was an obvious temptation to slip a fib into this. I didn’t. So if you feel fooled, it’s only because some of you voted for these gibbering apes. Anyway, here we go, with the longest, stupidest one yet… 1. Grant Shapps (who has more […]

The week in Tory…it’s an epic edition!

Russ In Cheshire
banner outside Westminster: corrupt Tory government

Russ’s epic and epigrammatic summary of the madness and horror that is the current UK political scene. We’ve left the numbers in so you don’t get lost! Buckle up! I was going to do #TheWeekInTory, but try as I might, I can’t find a single thing they’ve done wrong this week. Only kidding. It’s been […]

The next unelected PM will be chosen according to paranoia

Russ In Cheshire
Johnson cabinet, Number 10

The next unelected Tory prime minister will be chosen by members, and will be whoever most closely matches their paranoia on that particular day. It might be immigrants. Might be taxes. Maybe Europe. The fate of our statues. Uppity footballers. Or gay Santas in Scandinavian Christmas ads. Maybe they’ll vote to lower benefits for poor […]

Why pay rises won’t solve the Brexit staffing crisis

Russ In Cheshire

There SHOULD be pay rises in most sectors, including HGV. But pay rises won't solve the staff problem, and here's why. For arguments’ sake, imagine we give a 20 per cent pay rise to HGV drivers. This attracts 20,000 people from lower paid jobs. HGV problem solved (in a year or so) But… The industries […]

Conservative leadership race: the runners and riders

Russ In Cheshire

Boris Johnson is failing, and Tories are already sniffing around for a replacement. It used to be a shoo-in for Sunak, cos he’s been Mr Giveaway. https://www.theguardian.com/society/2020/nov/20/rishi-sunak-warned-not-to-freeze-public-sector-pay-in-mini-budget But soon he’ll be Mr PayItBack, and his star will fall. So who’s next? Here are the runners and riders… Priti Patel, Home Secretary and Horcrux. Nurse Ratched […]

Trade negotiations: what happens next

Russ In Cheshire

We had to share this. It explains how things will unfold. Possibly. Brexit Trade Talks: UK: We don’t like our deal EU: Why not? UK: We only get 95% of what we want EU: It only gives us 95% too. That's how negotiating goes UK: We want a new deal that gives us everything we […]

Russ in Cheshire sums the whole ghastly thing up!

Russ In Cheshire

It’s Tuesday, #TheWeekInTory is already 80 points long, and I’m very sorry you have to read it. And even more sorry I had to write the bloody thing. Anyway, here goes. 1. The govt announced quarantine for people returning from France 2. It waited until everyone had made travel plans, then brought the policy forwards […]

The catalogue of horrors continues…

Russ In Cheshire

We have great pleasure in sharing @RussIncheshire’s regular twitter thread. #TheWeekInTory is a monster because they’ve been, well, even busier than usual, the scamps 1. The dictionary definition of Honour is, “the quality of knowing and doing what is morally right”. Keep that in mind as we tackle the Honours system 2. Boris Johnson gave […]

The ongoing catalogue of hypocrisies – in a twitter thread.

Russ In Cheshire

There will be more… #TheWeekInTory 1. The govt launched a “Fix your bike” voucher website 2. It broke in less than an hour 3. The govt said we should all lose weight 4. The govt is still issuing vouchers to help us buy burgers 5. It was revealed the govt spent £400m buying a bankrupt […]