The Week In Tory is a whopper, so I’ll do the promo thing first: “Four Chancellors and a Funeral” is out on 21 March; and please support “Tories: The End of an Error”, currently being written. And now, for your pleasure, an 84-point torrent of awfulness… I’m not saying things are getting a bit reactionary, […]
Brace, brace for the first ‘The Week In Tory’ of 2024. Also, please read the information at the end, which my publisher insists I add, and which helps to pay for my dog to eat things (other than rotting pigeons he finds on the field). Ta. 1. Boris Johnson, once voted “worst PM ever”, heroically volunteered […]
Strong language warning! You don’t like it. I don’t like it. Nobody likes it, and I wish it would stop. But dream on because here, for Christ’s sake, is The Week in Tory! 1. It is 13 years since David Cameron – a thumb with a mouth slit who played at being PM in between […]
So I’ve been thinking about what the Tories are going to offer at the next election, and I think I’ve worked it out. 1: CUT MIGRATION Brexit stopped the migrant-returns agreement, and their brilliant Point Based System led to far more immigrants than what it replaced. So basically, their big policy is: undo their last […]
Warning: contains strong language. Somehow, it’s time for #TheWeekInTory again, even though it’s still only Monday. Four more days of this week to go, and we’re already up to 74 points. F*ck-a-doodle-doo! Anyway, do a quick snort of glue, and then let’s get stuck in. 1. Suella Braverman took a break from kidnapping dalmatians to say […]
I apologise, but try as I might, I can’t find any material for #TheWeekInTory. Only kidding. It’s an absolute casserole. Let’s down a pint of absinthe and get stuck in. Also – trigger warning. [Contains strong language] 1. We begin with the Covid inquiry, which revealed the shocking news that everything we all knew three years […]
Delighted to be publishing Russ again. This episode of the week in Tory is a cracker. Contains strong language. 1. Britain faces a crisis in health, education, farming, energy, housing, childcare, social care, imports, exports, manufacturing, services, debt, growth and infrastructure, so Rishi Sunak announced his grand plan to slightly alter A-Levels. 2. As Sunak finished […]
Part I: pop on the galoshes of despair, and let’s wade into The Week In Tory ! Warning! Contains strong language… and how could it not? 1. Remember that time, ages ago, when Boris Johnson was found to be a liar, ditched by his party in a 354 to 7 vote, humiliated in front of the […]
Warning: contains strong language and adult humour! Here we go… 1. Let’s start with PartyGate, and joyless claymation ethics droid Rishi Sunak decided to sue his own inquiry for having the temerity to ask to see the things he always said it could see. 2. He said he wouldn’t hand over WhatsApp messages that are “unambiguously irrelevant” . […]
For a change, I’m going to begin the latest edition of The Week In Tory with some news about Labour. Don't think this makes things any better, because it doesn't. I implore you, by all you hold dear, not to read this. Under Labour, NHS wait averaged 9 weeks. After 13 years in power, the […]
Boris Johnson is not a liar. He is a bullshitter. There is a difference. A liar knows (and cares) what the truth is, and is attempting to conceal it. A bullshitter doesn't care. For a bullshitter, whatever he says becomes the new truth. Bullshitters don't think they're "lying", because (in their minds) the utter shite […]
We all think we’re rational human beings. So let’s put that to a test in a little thread, with sources. This is for those who are in a terrible tizz right now, and think Gary Lineker is actual Satan. “We are taking too many immigrants” There are 281 million migrants globally. https://worldmigrationreport.iom.int/wmr-2020-interactive/ We took 90,000. […]
Drink heavily, buckle up, and let's get started with a visit to the Tory Party Conference, where the most dense things in the known universe are packed into one room, and we all pray it reaches critical mass and explodes. Yet another #TheWeekInTory: 1. Liz Truss – ITV4 made flesh – got dressed up as […]
Russ Jones has done it again. Expect updates! 1. Our new PM, Margarine Thatcher, said she was “absolutely committed” to cutting tax for the rich 2. Then she cancelled tax cuts the rich 3. Truss boasted she was prepared to make unpopular decisions 4. But her decisions were unpopular, so she cancelled them 5. Truss […]
Second #TheWeekInTory in 4 days cos … oh god, you know why! 1. KamiKwarzi Kwarteng supports crypto so much, he’s turned Sterling into a new one called Shitcoin. 2. He fulfilled his promise to wipe out Stamp Duty by making it impossible for anyone to get a mortgage anyway. 3. These exuberantly stupid inanities had […]
Assuming Tim Shipman’s tweet is true, let’s do a quick #TheWeekInTory style tour of our (probably) new cabinet. It is a thrilling prospect. Liz Truss Margarine Thatcher. Gilead Commander’s wife who did three U-turns during her campaign, making Liz Truss a more effective opponent of Liz Truss than Rishi Sunak was. Is her own worst […]
How we vote is mostly about our feelings, and then we hunt around for ways to rationalise those feelings. But look at the data, and if you voted Tory or Brexit… just think about this stuff. I’m not taking the p*ss. Just consider… If you voted Tory in 2010 to reduce debt, you made a […]
Here we go again. Like the shoe-stretchers my mum got me for Christmas, the Tories are the stinky gift that keeps on giving. Let’s dive in… 1. Previously on The Week In Tory: thermonuclear tribunal magnet Boris Johnson battled to survive, as Steve Baker told the BBC “I believe the Conservative Party is the only […]
Warning: strong language. Ed Because I was busy last week, this episode of The Week in Tory covers more than seven days, but not – you’ll be amazed to hear – the 700 years it would take most governments to get through this lot. Remember, it’s OK to want to scream or take drugs during […]
A round-up of a typically marvellous #TheWeekInTory 1. Loving crowds of flag-waving patriots loudly booed Boris Johnson, the one-man game of shag, marry, avoid who is still – amazingly – our PM. 2. Priti Patel, the Shetland Pony of the Apocalypse, told Tory MPs not to attempt to sack Johnson because of the Jubilee. 3. […]
Boris Johnson press conference. He just said the UK will have the worst performance in the G7 next year cos “we came out of the pandemic first, so had a faster recovery”. So [deep breath] we’re doing badly because we’re doing so well. Then he said we need to build 300,000 more homes. Then he […]
Contains strong language! Well, it would be hard not to, wouldn’t it? Editor The Horny Honey Monster is on the ropes, so I think it’s time to take a quick look at the runners and riders poised to take over from Boris Johnson. It's an inspiring list. Liz Truss The kind of foreign minister you'd […]
It’s been a challenge to find anything to write in the latest edition of the Week in Tory. They’ve all been such well-behaved boys and girls. Only kidding: it’s absolute carnage. Don your biohazard suits, top up your breakfast absinthe, and let’s dive in. 1. Under Boris Johnson, 10 Downing Street now holds the record […]
As some of you might expect, the latest banshee howl that is #TheWeekInTory is quite lengthy, and I advise a deep dive into your preferred sedative before beginning. Let us begin where the last one ended, which is, astonishingly, a mere five days ago [cue wobbly screen]… 1. Having spent a week insisting there was […]
Let’s start #TheWeekInTory with PartyGate, where randy Honey Monster and (no, really) Prime Minister Boris Johnson denied 20 fines meant there had been wrongdoing. 2. This doesn’t quite explain why he had personally phoned the Queen to apologise for all the wrongdoing. 3. Regardless, The Metropilitan Police issued MASSIVE fines of £50 for breaching lockdown […]
This edition of #TheWeekInTory fell on April Fool’s Day, and there was an obvious temptation to slip a fib into this. I didn’t. So if you feel fooled, it’s only because some of you voted for these gibbering apes. Anyway, here we go, with the longest, stupidest one yet… 1. Grant Shapps (who has more […]
Russ’s epic and epigrammatic summary of the madness and horror that is the current UK political scene. We’ve left the numbers in so you don’t get lost! Buckle up! I was going to do #TheWeekInTory, but try as I might, I can’t find a single thing they’ve done wrong this week. Only kidding. It’s been […]
The next unelected Tory prime minister will be chosen by members, and will be whoever most closely matches their paranoia on that particular day. It might be immigrants. Might be taxes. Maybe Europe. The fate of our statues. Uppity footballers. Or gay Santas in Scandinavian Christmas ads. Maybe they’ll vote to lower benefits for poor […]
There SHOULD be pay rises in most sectors, including HGV. But pay rises won't solve the staff problem, and here's why. For arguments’ sake, imagine we give a 20 per cent pay rise to HGV drivers. This attracts 20,000 people from lower paid jobs. HGV problem solved (in a year or so) But… The industries […]
Boris Johnson is failing, and Tories are already sniffing around for a replacement. It used to be a shoo-in for Sunak, cos he’s been Mr Giveaway. https://www.theguardian.com/society/2020/nov/20/rishi-sunak-warned-not-to-freeze-public-sector-pay-in-mini-budget But soon he’ll be Mr PayItBack, and his star will fall. So who’s next? Here are the runners and riders… Priti Patel, Home Secretary and Horcrux. Nurse Ratched […]